My Journal: September 7th 2015

The New Dream

Sitting quietly, the icy fire creeps slowly into my failing heart. My breathing shakes, my vision blurs and the rhythmic timing of my heart gets distant, heavy and labored. The syncopated pace is wrong and wild, making my lungs feel heavy and cold. I creep deeper into the void trying to be imperceptible to the pain. I’m drowning in the deep without and there’s nothing I can do but close my eyes and fall.

But in this fall, there’s no bottom. There’s no jarring crash back into reality. It’s a freefall without end. The firm cliff’s touch becomes a faded memory of a memory of a memory of a memory. Nothing but the sick feeling in my stomach and the wind biting my eyes to keep me company.

I’m tired of this new dream. It used to be combat or nightmares about my family leaving me or watching my Brothers die at the hands of a shared enemy. Now it’s just endless falling into darkness with no end in sight. If I could pick, I would take my old dreams over this new garbage. At least there was always an end to the nightmares in my past.

But, sleep comes hard, the fall begins again and the downward spiral of repetition starts anew.

“Hope rises and dreams flicker and die. Love plans for tomorrow and loneliness thinks of yesterday. Life is beautiful and living is pain. The sound of music floats down a dark street.”
~ Hunter S Thompson